April 8 2018 - Apples in Apple Valley

One year ago today, exactly, I was staying at an Air BnB in Apple Valley, home of Roy Rogers and Dale Evans. The sky was so blue there, and I was writing some really intense term papers for other people - don’t judge me - and practicing guitar and trying to figure out my life. My first plan was to start transcribing my own audio notes as I wandered in the big junk-filled backyard of this rambling ranch house that looked straight out of Giant starring James Dean. Here they are. Lightly edited.

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Monday, April 8 I think. Maybe. Check that. 

So I'm going to try to ... this is a new experiment. I'm gonna try to record my notes. The points of this experiment are many-fold. First point, is that it will keep me on topic and not stare off into the sky for 15 minutes like I enjoy doing in the morning. Not that that's a bad time necessarily. Maybe I need that. I don't know. But also to record the ... my thoughts in the morning and write them down and see if any of it is something I can use.

So I think maybe that could streamline my day. Because these are my times of weird thoughts and babbling. Because of my morning habit which is smoking a little bit of marijuana and drinking a pile of coffee. It's like crack. I need to ... if I do too much, I start to feel guilty, and then I'm high and paranoid and then I work even harder. but, you know, that's not a way to live. Seriously. So I've really backed off.

And now I smoke yard weed through an apple. I don't even think it's a bowl. I might smoke a bowl, just sprinkle some on. It's so fucking light. But I do it everyday. Anyway, so people get the wrong idea about my habit because I do it every day. They're like, oh, you're a stoner. I'm like, yeah, I'm a fucking stoner. I've been smoking weed for 30 years. Almost. Every day. Almost. So, yeah, I'm a fucking stoner. But, like, fuck, man, I've got a life to lead. These dabby dabs. What the fuck is that shit? I lost my fucking mind on that shit.

Anyway, so I ... my habit is light. I don't want to get fucked up in the morning. I'm trying to get shit done. And if I get too fucked up, I get so paranoid about my failures in life that I work even harder. Oh, god, but that's a terrible place to me. I don't want to be losing my mind. I just hate-- oh, jesus christ. That could've been bad. I need to stay on the ... I just have to, uh, I stepped on a nail! I'm blind. I'm out here blind, wandering around. Ahahahahahaha. Bad idea.

So as I was saying before I almost gave myself tetanus, I'm a lightweight. I'm a lightweight. I'm okay with that. Because I'm an OG lightweight, so fuck you. And that's why I would like to share my favorite method for smoking weed when you're on the road. Which is through an apple.

There are so many good things about this. First of all, you can go to Walmart, buy one of those little bags of apples for like two dollars and fifty cents, and like put them in the fucking refrigerator and you've got your marijuana dispensary items at hand for like six weeks or some shit. I mean, if you take care of your pipe, put it in the refrigerator, you wrap them in plastic. I mean, I don't know how crazy you want to be. That's probably too much. Who'd want to do that? That's if like, if you really, really need, not have any more apples. But you can buy them at Walmart for two fifty.

And the other good thing about using food as your delivery method is that you can buy it on the EBT! So thank you Uncle Sam for providing me with a healthy way to ingest my legal, uh, me-di-cine. Yes. Isn't that fine? I'm going to eat the apple when I'm done, too, so whatever. You're not not-eating it. You're not even breaking the food stamp laws with this shit, just eat the apple when you're done. Which I also recommend. Because it's delicious. It's fucking delicious. And it doesn't really get you that high. It's that ... I don't even know if it does. Or if you're just eating some fine ass weed-infused apple that, if you fuckin slice it up correctly you could make some hipsters believe is some artisanal shit. So I also highly recommend that.

My final point about why it's good to smoke out of an apple, is that you have completely erased a huge source of paraphernalia. Congratulations, your paraphernalia's problem is solved. If there's someone that knocks on the door, you feed the apple to the dog and there is no evidence. If you're eating the apple, you've got an apple core in your car now. And you're constantly refreshing ... you've got a fresh source of something to smoke from, too. A fresh source. So that means it's just healthier. All that tar and shit is kind of nasty. So it's a very healthy way to smoke. It feels good. If you can't afford a vape and you know you ought not to be rollin spliffies no more, that's a solution.

Shut up, dog! Come on! [Dog barks] This fuckin dog. Anyway. He chases me in at the same time every morning. I suppose that concludes my essay anyway. So. Everyone's a critic.

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